


Rage, Rage against the dying of the light

by orphan_account



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Gen, M/M, Multi, Sad, Smut, This is terrible, Verbal Abuse, Violence, What am I doing, kill me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-12 06:02:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2098320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A 17 year old Kieren Walker, is infatuated with one Rick Macy, a boy who can only bring himself to show any form of want for Kieren, when drunk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came to me while I was doing some creative writing with another person. The thought got to me and it started off good but admittedly went downhill from there

"-Oh yeah, well you know Philip, kid thinks anything that could get him in trouble could fuck up his chances!" Kieren snickered, before taking another swig of the White Lightning Cider that he had been hiding in his room for the last week. Saving it for this night.  
There he and Rick Macy sat, in their little cold cave, surrounded by the flickering light of candles.  
Kieren sat on one of the cushions he had swiped from the loft of his house, a small flowery thing, that Rick had already made many a joke about. He was sporting his favourite pair of skinny jeans, red and black plaid, and a denim jacket over his dark brown hoodie.

Rick nodded in agreement, holding his hand out expectantly for the plastic bottle of cider, while his other offered Kieren a lit cigarette. "Kids too serious about politics. Got that bloody stick up his arse and all." 

Kieren watched as the other took a few too many mouthfuls of the cider in one go. He always did that when they came here. Kieren knew the reason, deep down. Rick had to be drunk for nights like these, and Kieren being drunk as well also seemed to help.  
"Rick, not a picture I wanted in my mind, thank you." Kieren groaned as he picked up the other bottle of cider that sat beside his legs in the cramped but homely space. He was already pretty buzzed as it was.

Sneaking out on Friday nights had become a little ritual for them. They would meet at the end of Kieren's street, and they would walk to their cave in the darkness. Sometimes Rick would hold Kieren's hand, and everything would feel okay for a little while, but only for a little while.  
About a year ago now, Kieren had admitted his feelings for Rick, and at the time, they had both been drunk at  a house party. Rick had kissed him that night, but hadn't said anything in return, hadn't confirmed or denied his own possible feelings. He'd just kissed Kieren, and then drank more alcohol. After every drink, he would kiss Kieren with a little more force, a little more 'feeling'.  
Rick refused to talk about it after that night.  
They still didn't talk about it, but whenever they'd get drunk together after that night, it would lead to kissing, to hesitant shaky touches on drunkenly hot skin, to eyes closed tight, and hair-pulling. 

It hurt Kieren, to know that this kind of thing could only happen with the help of alcohol, but at the same time, he thought it was what he deserved, for being different, for falling for his best friend. He deserved that little hollow feeling every time the sober Rick would quickly pull his hand out of Kieren's reach before Kieren could grab it, using it to scratch his head, or look for items that didn't even exist in the other mans bag.

"--KIEREN!"

Suddenly Kieren snapped back out of his memories, and back to the reality of the cave, and he suddenly felt a burning at his fingers. He'd held on to the cigarette as it burnt down to almost nothing. He dropped it with a cry and clutched his fingers to his shirt "Shit!"   
His burnt fingers went to his mouth automatically, and he sucked on them for a moment, trying to ease the stinging.

Rick was laughing, slapping his thigh as he did so. He'd already spilled some cider droplets down the front of his shirt by the look of him. "That's what you get for daydreaming you tosser."

Kieren mumbled something that sounded like an apology against his burnt fingers, and tried to twist off the cap to his White Lightening Cider with one hand, that was held tightly by this thighs

Two hands reached out, and for a moment in the blur of alcohol and subtle pain, Kieren wasn't entirely sure where those hands were going. They wrapped around the bottle, and twisted the cap off.  
When Kieren looked up from the bottle that for a moment he imagined was something else entirely, he found Rick leaning very close, across from him.  He could see by the colour of his cheeks that he was definitely drunk now, not that the suddenly closeness hadn't given that fact away already.  
He grabbed the hand Kieren held to his mouth, and slowly brought it to his own, resting the hot fingers against his lips for a moment. He then slowly lapped his tongue across the area of screaming skin.  
Kieren watched him, confused, but ever so slightly turned on by the odd exchange between them. He slowly pulled his hand away, only to suddenly have his face grabbed by the other boy, pulling it towards his lips in a clumsy and also painful manner.  
Ricks lips crushed against Kieren's, and he closed his eyes, imagining that they were sober, imagining that this wasn't _all_ there was to them, because the truth hurt.  
  
The truth of a homophobic father, of a religious upbringing, of a love that was more one-sided than the alcohol let Kieren believe. If there was a part of Rick that loved Kieren in the way that Kieren loved Rick, it was buried deep in fear.

"Rick--" Kieren had wanted to say  _something_ , maybe that Rick didn't have to do what he was doing, but the heavy mouth didn't allow him to finish. Rick slid his tongue into Kieren's mouth through slightly parted lips, and began to explore in a drunken frenzy of saliva and the taste of bad cigarettes.

It was when Kieren's back was pinned against the cave wall, with a drunk but strong Rick straddling him, slowly rubbing himself against the growing bulge in Kieren's jeans, that Kieren heard a noise.  
Kieren let out a whimper, and clenched his fists by his sides. He'd learned by now that if he touched Rick back, the boy would become overwhelmed and stop. Sometimes he would get violent.

"Rick...I think I heard--"

"Shut up Ren, it was nothing..." The Drunk boy growled against Kieren's lips. The rubbing against Kieren's crotch became harder, and slightly faster.

There was the noise again, like a twig snapping near the cave entrance. Kieren pushed Rick Macy off with all of his might, suppressing the moan that tried to claw it's way seductively up Kieren's throat. He reached down into his pants to adjust himself quickly. If there was someone out there, he didn't want to go out there facing them with an obvious hard-on. 

As he stood up, and gave Rick a small kick as if to alert him, he realised just how drunk he was, as the cave walls danced around him and the candle flames shifted in and out of focus. "Stay 'ere...I'll check it out." he whispered to Rick, who was trying to climb to his own feet, but with no such luck.

"I'll come with yer--" he insisted, but as he managed to get a foot under him, he began to topple sideways into the cave wall "Wait-no, I won't, this wall doesn't want me to leave support group...haha, geddit Ren?"

Kieren rolled his eyes at the drunken mess of Rick on the floor, the mess that he was most likely the cause for "I'll be right back okay? It's probably just an animal."  
He set off down the narrow little cave, heading to the entrance, ignoring Rick as he shouted something about them so obviously being in a bear cave, and that Kieren was probably walking to his death.  
  
But when he got to the cave entrance, he didn't find an animal, he found his 13 year old sister, Jem, with a torch in hand.  
"Jem--What are you doing out here?" he almost yelled.

Jemima seemed startled by his sudden appearance "I--I'm sorry I just...I wanted to know where you kept disappearing to at night, that's all!" she insisted, stepping away from her obviously intoxicated brother.

Kieren looked down at his watch.  **2 AM** "Jem, Mum and dad'll ground you if they catch you out at this time! They'll ground you and  _kill_ me."

Jem looked around at the dark surroundings "I don't want to walk back by myself Kier, it's scary." she said quietly, her tone pleading

Kieren rubbed his forehead, and shook his head "Jem, you walked here, you can walk your fucking way back. Seriously, fuck off. You should have known better..." he mumbled as he turned to face the cave, not his sister.

She made a noise in the back of her throat, and shoved him while he wasn't paying attention, causing him to stumble and nearly take his face out on the rock face. "Should I have? I'm sorry, I was worried for my big brother, whose been sneaking out late at night and coming home drunk and sad!" she sounded almost  close to tears. "You're a fucking dickhead, you know that? Girl's aren't supposed to walk around at night! You want me to tell Mum and Dad you've been hiding alcohol?"

Kieren frowned in disbelief, as he turned back around to face his sister, anger starting to tear at him "You think you can blackmail me?"

Jem glanced around him then, at the sound of Rick yelling something unintelligible within the cave, she then glared at Kieren "Lie to yourself all you want, Kieren. He. **D** **oesn't.**  Love. You. If he loved you like you loved him, you wouldn't have to wait for him to be smashed before he'd even hold your hand. It's pathetic, you're pathetic!"

"Jem, you don't understand the situation, it's a lot more complicated than it looks!"

"I know why you're not allowed in the Macy household anymore. It's because Bill doesn't want a pansy like you softening his big strong son!"

Kieren didn't remember what had happened after that, when it came to waking up in his room the next day, but when sitting at the table for lunch, he noticed a red mark on Jem's cheek.  
He could put two and two together.

He couldn't make up for what he'd done, but he wouldn't drink again. Rick or no Rick.


	2. Chapter 2

Kieren hesitated in Jem's doorway, his knuckles hovering over the wood of her open door, ready to knock.  
Even if he did knock, she wouldn't hear him. She had her headphones on, Walkman placed beside her with an unknown CD inside.  
So instead, Kieren just stood there, waiting for Jem to notice him, eyes locked on his feet.

He didn't have to wait long  
"Come to talk your way out of it? Make excuses?" Jem finally asked, as she pulled the headphones from her ears, and rested them around her neck. She sat up a little against her horde of pillows, and looked at her big brother expectantly.

Kieren shook his head, and inched his way a few steps into his sisters room "No. There's no excuse." he mumbled, forcing his gaze to meet his little sisters.

"No? Not even a ' _Jem I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doin'_ '?" she asked, tone cold. She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged herself as Kieren sat at the end of her bed hesitantly.

"No." Kieren answered honestly, as he looked up at the posters all over her walls, most of them being ones he had given her, of bands and movies and shows "No excuses. I hurt you Jem, and even if I wasn't aware of it at the time, I still did it. It was still me, and that....that's the scariest part.  _I_   _did_ that you." he reached up and brushed his thumb lightly across her bruised cheek, and she flinched away.  
"I'm sorry--Jem, I'm so sorry."

Jem bit her lip and closed her eyes, trying to stop herself from crying. She didn't want to cry in front of him. He was the one who told her to always be strong, to keep her chin up. "Kieren--It's not...Kier-- It's not that simple."

Kieren nodded in agreement, clasping his hands in his lap "I know. I know that. I don't expect you to forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me....I just--wanted you to know....I _needed_ to know, that I'd said it."

"You said it last night..." she began, speaking against her knees "Once you--once you realised what you'd done, you started cryin', so much that Rick had to come out of the cave and hug you to calm you down. You couldn't stop." she smiled a sad smile against her knees then, and her eyes met Kieren's "He started calmin' you down, whispering some really sweet things, plans for the future. That's...when I realised I was wrong, Kier. He does care. He cares about you a lot, but in his own weird way. He was  _there_ for you. He knew what to say to calm you down and I couldn't  _do_ anything to help you--but he could."

"Why would you have wanted to help me? I hurt you...." he whispered, staring down at his clasped hands again.

Jem nodded "You did, but you're still my brother, I still cared for you, and you were freakin' out. Always so gentle until that moment-- it hurt you." she reached out then, and rested her hand on top of his.

Kieren sighed, glad he couldn't remember most of what happened. "Rick does care..." he mumbled, closing his eyes tightly as he began to open up "He's...he's scared, of his dad." Kieren took a shaky breath before he could continue  
"Bill threatened to hurt me once--He was trying to get it through Rick's skull, to stay away from me...He said he'd kick my skull in...That people like me should not be near his son, and that he'd do whatever it took to keep his Rick in the good books."  
He hadn't spoken to anyone about the threats before, out of fear, out of anger. Rick hadn't told him about them either at first, until he realised he needed to get it through Kieren's head that he  _wasn't safe_. 

Jem's mouth fell open in horror, and she squeezed her brothers hands tightly "Kier---I had no idea..."

Kieren shrugged it off, and took Jem's hand in his for a moment, just staring at the delicate fingers, thinking that Jem wouldn't have a dangerous, harmful bone in her body. She was so innocent. Sure, she was one tough nut, she wouldn't break easy, but she was kind under all that bravado. "Rick's plan is to come with me, when I go off to Art School. To escape this place and just be...free." he said quietly, a small smile forming across his face "He says he'd get a job somewhere, In town or something, he'd find a way to support us, and we'd stay together, while I become one of the ' _best artists'_ in the UK--Rick's words, not mine."

"Kier..." Jem began, sitting up in her bed. She knocked her Walkman, and the lid popped up, revealing the first mix CD Kieren had ever made her, on it he'd written in permanent marker  ** _Badass mix, for Miss_ _tiptoes_** "--You should. You should go talk to Rick, seriously. Sober, and...sort stuff out. I'm okay, I swear."  
She gave her brother a promising smile, despite the sore bruise on her cheek, and then her face went serious, as she remembered the journey home this morning. "Go check on him. His dad saw him helpin' you home this mornin'...He yelled after him, telling him to get over there and explain himself, but Rick refused to go back until he knew you were home safe. His dad looked proper furious--Kier you have to go."  
  
Rick had stood up to his dad?  
Something told Kieren that never ended well...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't leave things the way they were, could I? I had to have some sort of make-up for the siblings.  
> I just hope I did alright


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jem convinces Kieren to go and talk to Rick, sober and seriously, about their future.  
> But things are never that easy, are they?

"Kier, wait for me!" Jem called from her bedroom as Kieren walked by.

He came to a hesitant stop by the stairs, suddenly feeling a lot less resolved than he had a few moments prior. He now felt timid. "Jem...I don't think I can do this...I can't show up at _Bill_ _Macy's_ house. I've been banned!"

Jem hurried out of her room and gave her brother a push, forcing him down the stairs "How else are you going to see Rick? Don't worry bro, you got me to protect you." she assured softly, as she brushed by her brother and almost ripped the door open "C'mon, you want to see him, dont you?"

Kieren nodded, and gave his sister an uneasy smile "I'm not sure i feel all that comforted..having my _fourteen year old sister_ doing the protecting. That's supposed to be my job..."

Jem twirled in the doorway to face her brother, with a cunning smile, and laughed " _You've_ always been the brains, Mr-Helpful-Advice man. You keep being the brains, and I'll be the brawn. You do the planning, I'll be the required Muscle."

Kieren shook his head with an incredulous smile in return "How many action movies have you been watching lately, Jem?" he asked her, feeling a little more at ease with the situation now. He took a step towards the door and Jem turned to leave.  
  
She shrugged "How many do we have? I've seen all dad's stupid movies, plus a few actual good ones."

"Ooh, don't let dad hear you've been badmouthing his movies...you'll hurt his feelings." Kieren warned, as he followed his sister up the driveway and along the road. What was with this new Jem? He was impressed with her attitude, and also a little worried. He hoped this wasn't because of the new bruise she was sporting on her face. The bruise he'd put there.  
Kieren watched her walk ahead, watched the stiff curve of her shoulder, and the sureness in her step, and felt a bang of guilt. Sorry would never be enough for what he did last night. Even if she forgave him, he would never forgive himself. He was supposed to protect his own flesh and blood from bruises, and cuts, and bullies, but last night he was the bully.

" _Oh shit!_ " Jem choked out dramatically, turning to face her brother, hands raised in mock surrender as she skillfully strolled backwards "Kier,  _please_ don't tell dad I badmouthed his DVD's, he'd be totally  _heartbroken!_ I would never _forgive_ myself!"  
  
Kieren chuckled, impressed with her sarcasm, and her potty mouth "As your big brother, I'm strong against the swearing, for the record."

"No you're not."

"No, I'm not." he agreed proudly, as he sped increased his pace to keep up with his sister, who was somehow still faster than him, even when walking backwards.

They walked the rest of the way in silence, Kieren psyching himself up for the guaranteed face-off

 

* * *

 

Bill Macy was working out by his truck when Kieren and Jem stepped onto the street, and at the sight of Kieren, Bill Macy smiled a sick twisted excuse for a grin.

"What'd'you want, Walker?" he called out, leaning across the back of his truck with a twinkle in his eye.

Kieren stopped on the other side of the truck, as did Jem "I--I want to talk to Rick." he choked out, suddenly not feeling up to whatever was about to happen.

"You can't. You're barred from this house, planting those ideas in his head and all. Get away from my property. Get."

Kieren actually turned to leave, but Jem caught him roughly by the arm and pulled him back beside her. "Well you're goin' to lift that ban, Bill, Or I'm goin' to be havin' a word with Vicar Oddie." Jem shot out smoothly.

Bill Macy laughed, and pointed a grimy finger at the girl "A word? What on earth could you say to him that'd make me let that pansy boy in my house?"

Kieren looked to his sister, and a smile crept across her lips "You'd be amazed what a cryin' girl with a bruise on her face could say to someone like Vicar Oddie."  
Kieren was shocked. When did his sister become such a badass? She'd definitely been watching too many of their dads DVD's.  
His eyes then went back to Bill Macy, whose cool facade faltered for a split second, revealing a hint of panic.  
Bill Macy was scared by a 14 year old girl.

"I don't know what he was thinking, bloody mental, the man was. I was just on my way home and he--he _attacked_ me!" Jem choked out, as crocodile tears began to fall down her cheeks. She wasn't a bad actor at all.

Bill Macy raised his hands in surrender "Alright, alright, calm down young lady. I get the picture!" he said in a hushed voice as one Gary Kendal drove by, windows down, and nodded to Macy. Macy nodded back before turning his attention back to the Walker's "You can't talk to him though, he's not here."

Kieren spoke up then, feeling the need to contribute something to the situation "Where is he? I'll find him."

The mans lip curled up then, a hint of a smile "He's not in town right now. Wont be for a long time."

_For a long time?  
_

"What do you mean? Where's he gone?" Kieren demanded. Was this some cruel trick? Just to keep Kieren away from his son? Jem reached out, took Kieren's hand then. She had heard where. When they had both been helping a drunk Kieren home, Bill had yelled it after his son, given him a warning, but Rick had ignored him, more worried about Kieren.

Bill turned away then, heading back towards his house "He left for the academy. Basic Training and all that. He's going to become a hero, tough and strong, and forget all about his little adventures with your sort."

" _My sort?_ " Kieren echoed, as he stepped around the truck to follow after Bill, but Jem tugged at his hand, pulling him to a stop "What do you mean  _my_ _sort?!?_ " he demanded, trying to fight against Jem's grip on him, but it only seemed to get tighter.

Bill didn't turn back, but paused at his door "You were puttin' those ideas in his head, making him think--and the  _mix tape_ , you were bloody well turning him--"

"--You sent him away because _i was **turning** him **gay**?!_ " Kieren asked incredulously, blinking at the stupid man before him. People actually thought like that?  _Still?_ "Jesus Christ Bill, do you know how stupid that sounds?!? How does your wife feel about that? Oh, that's right, she's not allowed to express her opinion or she might be _stoned to death!_ " Kieren didn't care if the statement was accurate or not, he'd never paid attention to bible studies, and then dropped being religious all together _  
_

At this point Jem was dragging Kieren away from the house, and down the street, dragging him away from the house before Bill got mad, before Kieren said the wrong thing and it was all over. "Kier, _Kieren_!look at me!" she hissed, as he shoved him away and turned him to face her.  
He looked so angry, so blind with rage right then, that Jem almost worried he'd hurt her, but she stood her ground, and raised her chin, showing she wasn't afraid. "Kieren, look at me. Rick. Will. Come. Back." she said forcefully, sitting Kieren down on a bench, and standing in front of him "What you guys have, as fucked up as the situation might be, it sounds  _real,_ and Bill Macy, that fucking bastard, can't take that away from you, alright?"

Kieren was sitting with his head in his hands, his own nails digging in to his scalp, and his shoulders shook. Jem couldn't tell if it was from anger, or crying.

"Kier, you can write to him, can't you?" she asked, sitting down beside him " _Can't_ you?!?"

Kieren nodded into his hands, and then wiped his face with his sleeve, wiping away the angry tears "Yeah..." he choked out weakly

"Alright, so you write to him, write to him about how fucked the situation is, write to him about what you were going to say today, alright? Don't you give up, you keep writing to him, and--and when he comes back, you guys can...go to  _paris_ and you can do amazing art, and he'll...find work somewhere, in a café or something..." Jem gushed, trying to get his mind off the here and now "I mean, basic training in the military, that's what...14 weeks? I'm sure he'll come back to visit before he gets shipped off somewhere! And then--" Jem didn't know what to say.

Kieren laughed halfheartedly at her attempt to cheer him up. She was right, it wasn't over. Rick was still alive, just off to do new things, just like Kieren would be next year. Art school would be great, a fresh start, a new place.  
Everything else would fall into place after that. It had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the homophobic slurs and such, I just wanted to try and get the atmosphere and the feeling right.  
> Oh god, if I keep going with this it's going to crush me emotionally. If I do the next chapter.


End file.
